Women grow up in a paradox. No, not a bubble. A paradox. Like a bubble, however, it keeps us from ever really moving anywhere, swaying ever so gently back and forth, up and down and eventually popping under all the pressure.
From the time we’re small girls, people tell us to be weak and strong. They tell us to be the damsels in the distress then our own saviors. They tell us to have boyfriends, but to be independent.
They tell us to be strong, but not bitchy. They tell us to be smart, but not intimidating. They tell us to be beautiful, but not to care about our looks.
It’s this exhausting list of backwards demands and wrong advice. Advice that’s been passed down from generations, molding with new norms and ideas, but refusing to change altogether. It’s advice that’s outdated, oppressive and been giving women bad direction for years.
It’s caused girls to think they are wrong to act in ways that come naturally to them. It’s advice that keeps women subservient to men.
It’s advice that implies that women are weak and men are strong. It’s advice that comes from a good place, but is just so very, very wrong.
Don’t be bossy
Sorry, I forgot. Men are the only ones allowed to be the boss.
Don’t wait too long before you find someone
Thank you! I didn’t realize I should start counting down the minutes until I become an old maid. I’ll start worrying now.
Don’t waste all your time at work
Where’s a good place to waste my time? The supermarket? My parents’ house? I know, Pottery Barn!
Always look your best
As opposed to my worst? Thank you for instilling a lifelong insecurity in sweatpants. It’s OK that guys can wear cargo shorts and socks with sandals, but if a woman throws on anything baggy, she’s “given up.”
Without this helpful piece of advice, women everywhere wouldn’t know what to do with their faces. Thank you for guiding us on how you’d like us to look when you imagine sleeping with us as we pass.
Don’t get emotional in negotiations
Are you sure? I was planning on going into a fit of hysterics when they counter offer and then some light weeping if they don’t comply with our terms. I think that sounds like a better plan. I could even throw some cleavage in at the end.
If “man up” means acting like a dick and having a fragile ego, I think I’d rather “woman down.”
Be firm, but not a bitch
I’ll try to hold my ground without coming off as someone who won’t f*ck you then make you breakfast in the morning.
Be a lady
Oh my God, I completely forgot! Wait, what’s my gender again? You’re going to need to keep reminding me because I honestly keep forgetting.
Agree to disagree
It’s always more dignified for a woman to give in. Otherwise, how would men know where they stand?
If you dress like that, you’re asking for it
Duh. I bought it at “If I Put On A Dress That Excites You, You Have The Right To Violate Me” outlet. I can’t believe you’ve never been there!
Don’t get too invested
You’re right. It’s my fault for believing that when someone tells me he loves me, he means it. I’ll remember to act like the frigid b*tch next time, apparently that gets a great response.
Give him a shot
Every man deserves a shot. Just like every woman, no matter how she looks, dresses or talks deserves a chance. Come on, ladies, get it together. Stop being shallow and start following the example of all those men out there.
Don’t be afraid to look sexy
Actually, I am afraid to look sexy… very afraid.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels
Sorry, but that’s just wrong. Skinny tastes like nothing and mashed potatoes always feel better than a size zero.
You have to have it all
The relationship, the job, the apartment. Can’t one be enough? Or how about two apartments and no man? How about an amazing closet, a great job and the perfect apartment?
You’ll be happier if you find a man
I thought I’d be happier if I made my own money and could support myself? You’re right, I’ll just get married and forget all that silly stuff that once made me happy.
You need to calm down
Any time a woman has a strong reaction or a less than desirable feeling about something, she’s out of control, right? Whereas those men who just punch walls (and worse) are just being men. Gotcha.
Don’t be such a girl
I thought you just told me to “remember to be a lady.” I’m confused. I’m supposed to remember to be a woman, but not actually be one?
You need a boyfriend
Oh, is that what I need? Do you mind running out to the store and picking one up for me? I’m a little busy right now.
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