Jadilah Bijak

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Saya bertemu dengan seorang teman yang berkeluh kesah disela-sela kegiatan kampus kami yang padat. Tidak biasanya teman saya ini berwajah murung, karna dia selalu dikenal sebagai sosok figur yang selalu ceria setiap harinya. Diapun bercerita tentang relasi dengan pacarnya. Saya pun secara pribadi sudah mengetahui bahwa teman saya ini sudah berpacaran bersama seorang pria sejak tahun 2012. Hubungan mereka sempat putus nyambung beberapa kali karna dari pihak pria kedapatan menjalin hubungan dengan wanita lain tanpa sepengetahuan teman saya ini.

Kejadian itu ternyata berulang lagi dengan permasalahan yang sama. Teman saya ngotot bahwa dia harus lebih sabar dan mengampuni pasangannya. Baginya “saya tidak mau menyerah untuk mempertahankan pasangan saya”. Diapun mengakui kepada saya bahwa hubungan mereka bukan saja sampai ke tahap serius belaka, tapi sudah melampaui hubungan fisik (sex) berkali-kali. Bahkan hubungan badan pertama kalinya adalah bersama pacarnya ini. Hal inilah yang membuat teman saya berusaha keras mempertahankan hubungan dengan pacarnya walau jelas-jelas banyak sekali “tanda-tanda” bahwa pria yang bersamanya bukanlah pria yang tepat.

Mengampuni vs Berhikmat

Banyak sekali khotbah yang saya dengar bahwa dalam sebuah hubungan diperlukan adanya pintu maaf yang dibuka sebesar-besarnya antara kedua pasangan. Tentunya mengampuni ini penting sekali. Tapi apakah dengan berjalannya waktu ada perbahan yang dialami oleh pasangan kita? Bila pola yang sama selalu berulang berkali-kali, mungkin sudah saatnya anda menimbang apakah hubungan ini layak untuk dilanjutkan atau tidak. Di Matius 10:16 Tuhan pun memberikan nasihat kepada kita bahwa kita harus cerdik seperti ular dan tulus seperti merpati. It means,  kita butuh hikmat ketika ada kasih di dalamnya. Kata salah satu dosen saya di kelas “jangan cinta bodok-bodok”.

Abuse = Cinta?

Oooooh… Come on people! Kini media mulai mempengaruhi generasi kita untuk percaya bahwa pria yang melakukan kekerasan (kekerasan verbal atau tindakan, tidak harus ditampar atau dipukul. Kalau itu mah definisi klasik) adalah tanda bahwa pria itu menyayangi dan ingin menjadi satu-satunya yang memiliki wanita. Well, sapa coba yang mau disiksa seumur hidupnya? Ingat lho, salah memilih pasangan berarti anda sedang memilih membawa neraka ke bumi, bukan surga ke bumi.

Kebanyakan pria yang melakukan abuse bila ditelusuri kisah hidupnya, mereka berasal dari keluarga yang kacau (broken home). Ada kepahitan, ada kepahitan atau luka yang dibawa entah karena sosok ayah ataupun ibu. Bila hal-hal ini tidak dibereskan, tidak diobati, maka akan menjadi kepahitan yang akan diberikan kepada anda sebagai pasangannya ataupun anak kalian kelak.

Sex = Cinta

Sepertinya nonton film, kalau tidak ada adegan kiss atau ranjang pasti tidak seru. Media mempertontonkan bahwa sex menjadi hal yang lumrah, wajar dalam pergaulan anak muda masa kini. Oh really?

Saya bertemu banyak sekali teman-teman yang memutuskan untuk melakukan hubungan sex ketika mereka berpacaran. Dan tahukah teman-teman? Ketika anda melakukan hubungan sex dengan pacar anda, belum tentu pacar anda itulah yang akan setia hingga kalian berdiri di altar gereja dan disahkan menjadi suami istri. Pihak pria tidak begitu terlihat dampaknya namun wanita akan ‘berbekas’. Jangan takut deh jadi perawan tua, di Yeremia 29:11 Tuhan berjanji bahwa Tuhan telah merencanakan masa depan untuk masing-masing kita. So, tidak perlu khawatir. “bagaimana bila saya tidak akan mendapatkan pria yang lebih baik dari dia?” Percayalah bahwa ketiak anda melepaskan hal yang buruk, Tuhan akan menggantikannya dengan hal yang lebih baik. Just be patience.

Hati vs Logika

Wanita memang cenderung lebih dominan menggunakan hati.  Bukan berarti semua keputusan harus didasarkan dengan perasaan. Jangan lupa membawa logika dalam setiap pertimbangan yang anda buat. Kadang, ada keputusan-keputusan sulit yang harus anda buat dalam relasi anda. Tapi keputusan tepat itu akan mengarahkan anda untuk menjadi lebih baik. Ingat, cinta seharusnya bukan makin membuat kepala anda pusing tujuh keliling namun bisa membawa damai. Bukan kesenangan sementara, tapi sama-sama berpikir keselamatan yang abadi. Bahkan pepatah juga menasehati kita: follow your heart but take your brain with you. 

Sebuah hubungan dilanjutkan dan tidaknya tergantung dari bagaimana anda mengambil keputusan. Ingatlah selalu bahwa jangan pernah takut melepaskan hal yang memberikan dampak negatif ke dalam hidup anda. Karna Tuhan selalu siap memberikan berbagai hal yang baik ketika anda mau melepaskannya.

 

The 10 Virtues of the Proverbs 31 Woman

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The 10 Virtues of the Proverbs 31 Woman

1. Faith – A Virtuous Woman serves God with all of her heart, mind, and soul. She seeks His will for her life and follows His ways. (Proverbs 31: 26, Proverbs 31: 29 – 31, Matthew 22: 37, John 14: 15, Psalm 119: 15

2. Marriage – A Virtuous Woman respects her husband. She does him good all the days of her life. She is trustworthy and a helpmeet. (Proverbs 31: 11- 12, Proverbs 31: 23, Proverbs 31: 28, 1 Peter 3, Ephesians 5, Genesis2: 18)

3.  Mothering – A Virtuous Woman teaches her children the ways of her Father in heaven. She nurtures her children with the love of Christ, disciplines them with care and wisdom, and trains them in the way they should go. (Proverbs 31: 28, Proverbs 31: 26, Proverbs 22: 6, Deuteronomy 6, Luke 18: 16)

4. Health – A Virtuous Woman cares for her body. She prepares healthy food for her family. (Proverbs 31: 14 – 15, Proverbs 31: 17, 1 Corinthians 6: 19, Genesis 1: 29, Daniel 1, Leviticus 11)

5. Service – A Virtuous Woman serves her husband, her family, her friends, and her neighbors with a gentle and loving spirit. She is charitable. (Proverbs 31: 12, Proverbs 31: 15, Proverbs 31: 20, 1 Corinthians 13: 13)

6. Finances – A Virtuous Woman seeks her husband’s approval before making purchases and spends money wisely. She is careful to purchase quality items which her family needs. (Proverbs 31: 14, Proverbs 31: 16, Proverbs 31: 18, 1 Timothy 6: 10, Ephesians 5: 23, Deuteronomy 14: 22, Numbers 18: 26)

7.  Industry – A Virtuous Woman works willingly with her hands. She sings praises to God and does not grumble while completing her tasks. (Proverbs 31: 13, Proverbs 31: 16, Proverbs 31: 24, Proverbs 31: 31, Philippians 2: 14)

8. Homemaking – A Virtuous Woman is a homemaker. She creates an inviting atmosphere of warmth and love for her family and guests. She uses hospitality to minister to those around her. (Proverbs 31: 15, Proverbs 31: 20 – 22, Proverbs 31: 27, Titus 2: 5, 1 Peter 4: 9, Hebrews 13: 2)

9. Time – A Virtuous Woman uses her time wisely. She works diligently to complete her daily tasks. She does not spend time dwelling on those things that do not please the Lord. (Proverbs 31: 13, Proverbs 31: 19, Proverbs 31: 27, Ecclesiastes 3, Proverbs 16: 9, Philippians 4:8 )

10. Beauty – A Virtuous Woman is a woman of worth and beauty. She has the inner beauty that only comes from Christ. She uses her creativity and sense of style to create beauty in her life and the lives of her loved ones. (Proverbs 31: 10Proverbs 31: 21 – 22, Proverbs 31: 24 -25, Isaiah 61: 10, 1 Timothy 2: 9, 1 Peter 3: 1 – 6)

Why You Should Stop Searching for ‘The One’

Turn on any rom-com, listen to a sappy love song or watch most sitcoms, and you’ll likely encounter the same message: The key to finding love is committing to finding “the one.”

Pastor and author Andy Stanley, however, thinks that message is backward.

In his new book, The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating Stanley talks about why, in order to find the person we’re going to spend the rest of our lives with, we should focus on being the person that our future spouse is looking for, as well.

We recently spoke with Stanley about dating, why preparation trumps the idea of commitment and the proper view of premarital sex.

What’s the thesis of your new book, The New Rules For Love, Sex & Dating?

The theme of the book is We should become the person that the person we’re looking for is looking for. Are you the person you’re looking for is looking for?

The reason that’s important is because, in every area of life, we understand that preparation is the key to success, but when it comes to relationships, we think that, no, commitment is the key to success: I don’t need to prepare for a relationship, I just need to meet the right person and commit to that person.

In the book I talk about “the right person myth.” The “right person myth” is When I meet the right person, everything will be all right. But every single married person, every single divorced person knows that’s not the case, because 99 percent of the people who are married, when they stood at the altar and made their commitment or vows, thought they were making a vow to the right person.

We should become the person that the person we’re looking for is looking for.

Preparation trumps commitment every single time. The whole notion that “Once I meet the right person everything will turn out alright,” is predicated upon this lie that, “Hey, relational preparation is irrelevant, I just gotta meet the right person.”

You include a chapter in the book curiously called “designer sex.” Can you tell us what it’s about?

Designer sex is the old-fashioned approach to sex, that says, “Relationships are more important than sex. Build a relationship before you get involved sexually.” In the book, I kind of do twist on this, because our churches are designed for unchurched people. So I’ve written this book with the assumption not that every person is going to assume everything in the Bible is true.

So I’ve tried to back way up and ask some tough questions. For example, when people break up—whether it’s dating couple that breaks up, somebody who’s been living together that breaks up or a marriage that breaks up—people do not break up for sexual reasons; people break up because of relationship problems.

In the book, I argue that it makes sense that if there’s a God who loves and there’s a God who created sex—which is an interesting idea in of itself—that what God has to say about this topic is important, and common sense actually supports the New Testament as it relates to sex.

Sexually compatibility is easy, relational compatibility is not. So it just makes sense if you’re thinking in terms of a long-term relationship, we need to load up on the relational aspects of the relationship rather than sexual.

What I’m saying in this book is look, you don’t need a chapter and verse for this; you don’t need to be a church person for this; here’s what we know experientially: That the relationship is the key to happiness, and getting involved sexually on the front end of a relationship masks unhealthy relationships and ultimately undermines sexual satisfaction. Because every married couple and every couple that’s been together 15 or 20 years who has a healthy sexual relationship would tell you that it’s the relationship that drives the sex, not the other way around.
In the book, you talk about a Q&A event where a man asked what’s so wrong with sexual promiscuity. Can you describe that interaction?

This guy was probably 40 years old. He raised his hand—there were about 200 people—and he said, “Look, Andy, I’ll be honest. I’ve been married. I’m divorced. I’m dating. I don’t want to ever get remarried. Why in the world should I adhere to a New Testament approach to sexuality? Why should I not have sex?”

I said, “Well, there’s really no reason for you not to.” I pushed back on him. I said, “Gosh, if all there is to this life is life, you should have sex with whoever you want to, as many times as you want to.” And, of course, everyone in the room got a little uncomfortable.

I said, “If all there is to this life is life, then you’re biology, so just go with your biology. And you’ll have a string of hurt people behind you. Women will become a commodity. You will be disrespectful to women. That’s just what’s going to happen if we’re just biology.” I said to him, “If there’s more to you than biology, and if there’s more to this life than this life, then it’s a really big deal.”

Your worldview should determine how you manage your sexuality and the way your approach sexuality. If there’s a God who loves you and a God that has invited you to address in His heavenly father, that means that every single woman you meet is a daughter to your heavenly father. That should determine how you approach sex, and it should determine how you treat women.

Source: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/why-you-should-stop-searching–one

5 Questions to Ask Before You Say ‘I Do’

Planning a wedding is wonderful, beautiful, stressful, and sometimes just plain crazy. There are so many details to plan and then accomplish before the day rolls around! Where do you start? You’ve got to take care of invitations, flowers, catering, cakes, clothes, the ceremony, the honeymoon and so much more!

It’s pretty obvious why most couples give themselves months (and sometimes years) between saying “I will” and “I do.”

We’ve always wondered why couples spend so much time planning for their wedding, but so little time planning for their marriage. The wedding is a fantastic celebration of a couple’s love for one another. But it lasts only one day. A marriage, on the other hand, for better or for worse, impacts the rest of your life.

In order to help you think deeply about your future marriage and reduce the statistical wreckage that surrounds marriage in our culture, we’ve created five crucial questions you should answer and discuss before you say, “I do!” These questions are not easy, but they’re essential for thoughtful consideration.

1. Are You and Your Fiancé Willing to Work at Premarital Education?

With divorce rates soaring, think about this fact; there is a 31 percent better chance a couple will stay married if they are willing to work at premarital education and counseling.

The main reason for an engagement period is to prepare you for marriage, and adequate preparation requires significant work.

It’s possible for engagement to be a fun, romantic season of life that you’ll treasure forever. But it can be an extremely crazy time, full of many decisions that need to be made, where tensions can run high and some conflict can be expected.

Few couples ever think deeply about it, but the main reason for an engagement period is to prepare you for marriage, and adequate preparation requires significant work. Successful marriages are often the product of healthy premarital decisions and a willingness to work on the relationship before they say “I do.”

Here are a few of our recommendations for resources that are available for you to help you prepare for marriage:

1. Read a book together. No business person would start a new company without putting energy and time into finding out all they can about their new business. Yet couples go years and even a lifetime doing marriage by circumstance and chance. So pick up a book on preparing for marriage and put effort into it.

2. Find a good premarital counselor or mentor. Proverbs 11:14 states, “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” This biblical principle applies to all areas of our lives, but it screams “this makes sense” in the context of getting married. We suggest you meet with someone at least 4 to 6 times before the Big Day.

3. Talk about everything. Having honest dialog about the key issues you face as an individual and as a couple is critical to moving your relationship forward.

2. Are You and Your Fiancé Willing to Hear From Your Relational Community?

These days, many engaged and pre-engaged couples don’t love the idea of inviting family and friends to share opinions about their relationship, but we all need friends and family who will be honest about their thoughts, fears and concerns.

It would be wise of you to give permission to those you trust to speak the truth to you. Such people will have your well-being at heart and won’t be motivated by their own baggage or ego. What a gift those people can be to you! Seek them out, listen carefully, and then together discuss what you heard.

3. Are You Willing to Look Honestly at the “Red Flags”?

People who ignore red flags in the relationship, won’t discuss them, or even worse, expect them to go away, are headed on a journey toward disaster. No one gets married hoping to be miserable, but too many people who ignore red flags mistakenly assume things will get better when they are married. Marriage only gets more complicated if couples haven’t worked through the issues beforehand.

What are some of the red flags you should be willing to look at? Frankly, there are many red flags you would be wise to consider, but here are a few we consider most important: 1) Addictions, 2) A history of being abused or of being an abuser, 3) Unfaithfulness, 4) Warnings from your community, 5) Differences in spiritual values, 6) Poor communication and high conflict.

4. Are You Willing to be Ruthlessly Honest About Your Own Brokenness?

No one is perfect. Everyone has been hurt. The truth in relationships is that hurt people, hurt people. When it comes to your future marriage, there is really only one person who can make a change, and that is you. Trying to change your partner may seem like a noble pursuit, but trust us; you won’t change your fiancé.

The best gift you can give your spouse is a commitment to work on your own spiritual, physical, mental and emotional health.

You can, however, change yourself. The best gift you can give your spouse is a commitment to work on your own spiritual, physical, mental and emotional health. You will be ready for marriage not when you have your life in perfect order but rather when you are willing to admit to yourself, your fiancé and to God that you are responsible for your own brokenness. You must be willing to do all you can as an individual to deal with your brokenness in order to bring stability and health into the relationship.

5. Are You Ready for Unconditional Commitment?

The words you say to each other at your wedding will be words of unconditional commitment. No one ever says, “I am committing to you for the moment … but, let me be very clear, I make no promises that this marriage will last.”

Before you say “I do,” you must be willing to make sure you do whatever it takes to make the marriage last for keeps. Your level of commitment is the most vital factor in determining the success or failure of your relationship.

Marriage is one of God’s greatest and most life-changing ideas. There is nothing like it. Still, healthy marriages do not appear out of thin air, as a wish granted by the marriage genie. But with intentional preparation and hard work, you can build the strong foundation that you’ll need to make your marriage last a lifetime.

Here’s our best advice: plan your wedding, but prepare for your marriage.
Source: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/5-questions-ask-you-say-i-do

Better With Age: 10 Pros And Cons Of Dating An Older Man

Better With Age: 10 Pros And Cons Of Dating An Older Man

Here are a list of pros and cons to consider if you decide to date older:

Pros

He’s More Experienced in Life

Whether it’s in his career, knowledge acquired overtime, relationships or even in the bedroom, this man knows what he’s doing and knows what he wants. He’s confident and can teach you a thing or two with his advice.

He’s Financially Secure

He may be older, but he’s learned a lesson or two about making money, saving money and balancing his checkbook. He cares about his future and even retirement.

He’s Emotionally Stable

The older men are the calmest human beings. This is great for me, since I am a whirlwind during the week and it balances me out. He’s been through multiple ups and downs in relationships, and his feelings are in check. Plus, he’s a great listener.

He Loves Romance

With endless kisses, hugs and soft lit candles, he goes the distance to make sure you are happy and satisfied. When I would go away on trips and had my guy take care of my apartment, I always came home to flowers on the table, chocolate or homemade gifts. Aw!

You Look Good Together

Besides feeling good together in public, you look great together, too. Even though there have been those people who have judged, you’ll be surprised that there are more people on your side than you think. I got this comment many times with my last relationship and felt even more confident hearing it.


Cons

He’s Set in His Ways

This is probably the most challenging thing to overcome when dating an older guy. With him, what you see is what you get. Although you can’t change a man (or even a woman for that matter), the key is to bend for one another so both of your needs are fulfilled.

He’s Afraid of Commitment

When you come across an older man and learn he’s single, have you ever found yourself saying to your friends, “There’s a reason he’s alone and still single”? There’s always a reason, but the best thing is not to push. If it’s meant to be, it will be. For now, have fun and see where it might lead.

He Gets Compared To a Father Figure

This comment might make him and even you feel insecure. The important thing is how you two feel about one another and the good times you share. And don’t call him an “old man,” even if you’re joking; it will only make matters worse!

He Feels He Has “Power” in the Relationship

Personally and professionally, he has one up on you and may think only he has a right to call the shots in the relationship. It’s nice once in a while to let the man take the lead, but it shouldn’t be a power struggle. You both have something equally to give one another.

He’s Not the Life of the Party

He loves spending time with you, but may want to call it an early night instead of going to the next big party. Try to find the balance between going out and staying in.

Stay in for a couple nights by making dinner and watching a movie and doing one extreme outing during the week, even if it’s just for a bit. If he can’t, that’s what your friends are for!

Photo Courtesy: CW/Gossip Girl

Source: http://elitedaily.com/dating/pros-and-cons-of-dating-an-older-man/789862/

10 Guys You Should NEVER Date

Just say no to bad dates. Or for that matter, bad relationships. Imagine how simple your love-life could be if you just agreed to that rule of thumb?

But sometimes it’s easier said than done, isn’t it? Sometimes, we miss the warning signs. Or worse yet, ignore them.

No matter who you, how desperate you feel, how long you’ve been single or how badly you’re looking for a date, please do yourself a favor and avoid these 10 guys like the plague:

Mr. Not That Into You

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but let me warn you- he’s addicting. There’s just something about the “unknown” (does he like me, or not?) that keeps you guessing and coming back for more. You can recognize him in that he knows how to talk the talk, but his actions never seem to follow-suit. But the biggest problem with this kind of guy is that he’s using you for as long as you’ll stick around. So do yourself a favor and don’t stick around.

Mr. On Again & Off Again

This guy will do anything to get you to stay on his roller-coaster ride of up and down emotions. One moment you’re “the one” and the next moment he’s confused, confined, and non-committal. What you need to know about this guy is that this isn’t a “phase”, it’s a glimpse of the rest of your life. Talk about some serious nausea. Time to get off the rollercoaster- or better yet- never get on.

Mr. Out of Sight Out of Mind

This guy is sweet, charming, flirtatious, and basically everything you imagined him to be, while you’re around. But when you’re not around? Well, he’ll be that same sweet, charming, and flirtatious guy with the next girl. For him, it’s not about commitment, it’s about the moment. That’s definitely not a guy you can trust. Ever.

Mr. Keepin’ My Options Open

Oh yeah, he says he’s interested. He might even tell you he’s in love. But then why can’t he let go of his past? Why do you find yourself worried about who else he’s interacting with, and how he’s interacting with them? With the right guy there are no options- there are only relationships. And healthy relationships can only develop and progress when the focus is on one person at a time.

Mr. Let’s Get Physical, Physical

The thing that makes me crazy about Mr. Physical is that he’s SO OBVIOUS…yet so charming. He makes you think that he’s really into you- when all the while his primary focus is on what he can get from you. But even with his obvious advances and fixation on the physical, you’ll find yourself making excuses, giving more and more of yourself until it’s too late. Recognize him quick, and once you do, make a quick break. Don’t get stuck in the physical, because healthy relationships are built on so much more than this.

Mr. Sorta Spiritual

This is the nice guy most girls would fall for. He let’s you choose everything because he wants whatever makes you happy…even when it comes to your spiritual life. He may go to church on Sundays, have good morals, and even say the right things. But deep down, he’s only sort-of spiritual. His life has hints of Jesus (or so you tell yourself), instead of being DEFINED by Jesus. Don’t just settle for a God-fearing man, look for a Jesus-loving man.

Mr. I Don’t Wanna Grow Up

This guy will make you feel more like his mom than his girl. He’ll have you taking care of him before you even know what hit you. And you’ll like it, because it will make you feel important. But what you don’t realize is that a relationship with this guy is sure to be one-sided. So until he’s ready to put down the video games, pay his own bills, and do his own laundry…it’s time to move on to bigger…and “more mature” things- no matter how hot he is. You deserve a partner- not someone who needs a parent.

Mr. All About Me

He may or may not be the kind of guy who’s obsessed with his looks- but one thing is for sure, he’s obsessed with himself. He has all the answers and wants to date a girl who will just nod her head and smile. He doesn’t care what you want, or even who you are, because he makes all the choices and his preferences always trump yours. Stay far away from this guy, and look for a man who is marked by humility and selflessness…because only that kind of man can love you like you deserve to be loved.

Mr. Track-Record

You know all about his history. In fact, this guy has quite a reputation with the ladies. So why on earth did you convince yourself that things would be different with you? This guy will leave you with a broken-heart- just like he left the string of girls before you. Come to terms with the reality that you can’t change him with your love…or with anything else for that matter. Instead, find someone who you can love for who they are- not for what you hope them to be.

Mr. White Lies

A relationship built without honesty, is really no relationship at all. I don’t care if he’s lying about his age, his past, his family, or the color of his car….a lie, is a lie, is a lie. But most importantly, early on in a relationship it’s a big red flag. This guy is marked by a pattern of dishonesty and little white lies. Lies about things that might not even matter. But what matters is the habits that are being formed, and the facade that’s being maintained. A man who has nothing to hide becomes a safe place in which a woman can hide her heart. Look for that kind of a man.

Source: http://truelovedates.com/10-guys-you-should-never-date/?utm_source=True+Love+Dates+-+Love+for+your+Inbox%21&utm_campaign=80e1737351-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_6ea073922e-80e1737351-207167361